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Looking Beyond the Sexes
Have you ever felt hostility in a relationship and could not figure out where it came from? It may be that the hostility stemmed from resentment that you did not even know existed. Often we resent someone without even recognizing it because we admire something about him or her that we are not capable of achieving for ourselves. One may not agree with Karen Horney's statement that "it is contrary to human nature to sustain appreciation without resentment toward capabilities that one does not possess,"(60) but one must recognize that this envy is complicated by gender so that we do not allow resentment to hinder a relationship with someone of the opposite sex without being aware of the role gender plays. In Karen Horney's essay "The Distrust Between the Sexes," she explains the anxiety between people of the opposite sex. Childhood conflicts and reflections, envy for the opposite sex, and the gender distinction between the sexes, are just a few reasons that there is distrust between the sexes.
First, people are longing for happiness, while setting their expectations too high. Horney states, "All of our unconscious wishes, contradictory in their nature and expanding boundlessly on all sides, are waiting here for their fulfillment" (6). Youngsters are raised to believe that relationships with the opposite sex are their doorways to happiness. People expect their partners to be too many things, which will lead them to disappointment. Society's longing for happiness has so many expectations of what love should be that, in the end, all one has are one's retrospects. Childhood dreams cause a certain eagerness that is handed down by generations. Reflections that people have from their childhood carve the person into what they are as an adult. Horney explains, "The paradise of childhood is most often an illusion with which adults like to deceive themselves"(6). Adults remember their upbringing as a fantasy and try to live their lives around that fantasy. Children and adults are very different, but if a person finds the similarity, it will help them throughout their lives. During youth, conflicts give a person certain anticipations of how the opposite sex will treat a person. Adolescents have many conflicts, which affect part of their adult lives. If a person's opposite sex hurts them in any way, then that person will believe that the opposite sex will always hurt them.
Second, is the envy between sexes. This is completely logical. When envy such as the previous example is between two people of opposite sex, things get complicated. Since Adam and Eve, man has had some sort of sense that a woman is inferior because Eve was made from Adam's ribs, men feel a since of authority over women. These views of men and women still carry on. The very idea of a man being jealous of a woman frustrates males because "male is the better gender." Men tend to discriminate against women and hold double standards for men and women. Women, on the other hand, do not like to be jealous of men because women feel that we should not be envious of someone who has tried to repress us. Such envious behavior between people of opposite sex can cause hostility. A barrier is built between two people when one resents the other. This barrier causes hostility in a relationship because the two people cannot fully appreciate each other. In addition to what Horney says about resentment caused by biological incapability, this resentment can stem from envy of cultural or social incapability as well. To some extent, men envy women's ability to bring life into the world; this is an example of a biological incapability of men(66). Women envy men for creating "states, religion, art, and science"; this is an example of a cultural incapability. Man would not let a woman recreate society because their creation is their claim to fame. Both of these examples of envy between the sexes began long ago. Because men could never bring life into the world, they do seem to have some sort of resentment for women. Likewise, because women could never recreate society, we seem to have resentment toward men. The hostilities stemming from these feelings are obvious in the way women have stood up for themselves in the past decades and tried to turn things around. Men often feel threatened by women who try to break out of the "homemaker" mold to show that women are just as capable in the work field as men. The accepted gender roles are changing, but not without hostility from both directions.
Finally, Gender roles tell women to be passive, nurturing and dependent, while men are expected to be aggressive and independent. While some of these roles may have been useful in the earliest civilizations, technology has rendered them obsolete. Unfortunately, the existence of gender roles over time becomes "evidence" that these differences are biological, and are therefore justifications for the sexual stratification in which they result. Concurrently, roles assigned to women in one society are considered "masculine" in another. Further evidence is the existence of individual choice. Even in biological roles we have choices; a woman may choose not to rear a child. Our choices are limitless beyond gender roles, yet the pressure from family and society to follow the "rules" is powerful. Being confined to these artificial roles, however, puts women at a significant disadvantage because "male" traits such as competitiveness and aggression are considered much more valuable than "female" characteristics. As differences are interpreted as more or less valuable, this notion of difference becomes the rationale for the power differential between the sexes. Horney states that "the struggle for control between women and men is the original power struggle"(68). The human need for power and control stems from the uncertainty of life. We want to control the unforeseeable future, and our inability to do so causes feelings of helplessness and anxiety. One may seek to ease there anxiety by wielding control over other people. This is characteristically a male strategy. The protector convinces himself (along with his protectors) that he is in control. He is given the incredible power to define and label, and to rank order and behavior. Women are often coerced into supporting their controlled status. They are convinced by the male authority that he is filled only with good intentions. But even if the dominant male truly has, his spouse's best interests are heart, he may not know what those best interests are.
Karen Horney's essay may be a little hard to swallow, but she states some good points. Overall this is a well deliberated essay, specifically the points Horney makes regarding the envy of men and women. She gives some good examples and explains well what provokes the distrust between the sexes. An individual may not agree from start to finish with her views on a women's resentment of men, that women may feel somewhat inferior to them because of there ability to recreate society. Our culture is susceptible to honor instructions that are commonly male oriented, states Horney. Yet whether or not this is an outcome of bitterness on the woman's part, it can and does lead to distrust between the sexes.
Distrust between the opposite sexes is the effect from psychological history because of certain standards and expectations people set for themselves and others. From the beginning of time, in general examples, to small everyday examples, it is seen how resentment accompanies envy when the quality cannot be achieved by another and how this envy is complicated by gender. The cultural gender roles are a huge factor in the complication of envy. The struggle for control between women and men is the original power struggle. As differences are interpreted as more or less valuable, this notion of difference becomes the rationale for the power differential between the sexes. As expressed in Karen Horney's essay, expectations can contribute to the distrust between the sexes because of childhood reflections and conflicts, envy of the opposite sex, and the gender distinction between the sexes.
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